The Undomestic Goddess

The Undomestic Goddess

Sophie Kinsella

Workaholic attorney Samantha Sweeting has just done the unthinkable. She’s made a mistake so huge, it’ll wreck any chance of a partnership. 

"Going into utter meltdown, she walks out of her London office, gets on a train, and ends up in the middle of nowhere. Asking for directions at a big, beautiful house, she’s mistaken for an interviewee and finds herself being offered a job as housekeeper. Her employers have no idea they’ve hired a lawyer–and Samantha has no idea how to work the oven. She can’t sew on a button, bake a potato, or get the #@%# ironing board to open. How she takes a deep breath and begins to cope–and finds love–is a story as delicious as the bread she learns to bake. 

But will her old life ever catch up with her? And if it does…will she want it back?" - Amazon.com

The way I see it, there are two kinds of people in this world: those who enjoy Sophie Kinsella books, and those who are wrong.

And as we all know, I'm never wrong. 

It's okay that they're predictable, because they're suppose to be. Also, they're all pretty hilarious. This one was more serious than the other ones I've read*; Can You Keep a Secret would definitely be my favorite. 

But still, I read it all in less than a day, so it couldn't have been bad!

*and by serious I mean it's not so funny that you can't read it in public without looking stupid.

The Pirate Captain's Daughter

The Pirate Captain's Daughter

Eve Bunting

""I always knew my father was a pirate and I always knew I wanted to be one, too." At age fifteen, Catherine's life is about to change. Her mother has just died and Catherine can't stand the thought of being sent to live with her aunt in Boston. She longs for a life of adventure. After she discovers her father's secret life as captain of the pirate ship Reprisal, her only thoughts are to join him on the high seas. Catherine imagines a life of sailing the blue waters of the Caribbean, the wind whipping at her back. She's heard tales of bloodshed and brutality but her father's ship would never be like that. Catherine convinces her father to let her join him, disguised as a boy. But once the Reprisal sets sail, she finds life aboard a pirate ship is not for the faint of heart. If her secret is uncovered, punishment will be swift and brutal." -Amazon

I read this book all the way through because it was super short and I had nothing else to do. All I have to say is almost positive that pirates did not actually wear stripped puffy shirts. This book was written for teenagers by a lady who writes children's books and it's very obvious.
So let's just pretend it never happened, forget about it as we inevitably will, and move on with our lives. 

The Virgin Suicides

The Virgin Suicides

Jeffrey Eugenides

"First published in 1993, The Virgin Suicides announced the arrival of a major new American novelist. In a quiet suburb of Detroit, the five Libson sisters - obsessively watched by the neighborhood boys - commit suicide one by one over the course of a single year."

All I have to say about this book is that it's really good. Like, really good. Like, I read it in two settings good. Also it's not at all sad. Russia is sad. Girls killing themselves, not that sad. Mainly, I think, due to the fact that it's really sterile. The story is being told by the boys who watched them years later. They're all middle aged and going back and interviewing people trying to figure out what happened.

So yeah, read this book. Don't be the doof that watches the movie first*. 

* I had no clue that the movie was from 2000. Apparently it just made a comeback or something a couple years ago??

Deathless - AKA, Your Book Has A Lot of Egg Symbolism for Something Where Everyone Dies

Deathless

Cathrynne M Valente

Koschei the Deathless is to Russian folklore what giants or wicked witches are to European culture: the villain of countless stories which have been passed on through story and text for generations. Valente's take on the legend brings the action to modern times, spanning many of the great developments of Russian history in the twentieth century.
Deathless, however, is no dry, historical tome: it lights up like fire as the young Marya Morevna transforms from a clever peasant girl to Koschei's beautiful bride, to his eventual undoing. Along the way there are Stalinist house elves, magical quests, secrecy and bureaucracy, and games of lust and power. All told, Deathless is a collision of magical history and actual history, of revolution and mythology, of love and death, that will bring Russian myth to life in a stunning new incarnation.

So, I am going to review this book. But first, an open letter to Russia:

          Dear Russia,

                  I understand that you are tragic. I really do. I sympathize. But some happiness wouldn't kill you. My tear stained copies of your literature cannot help your country.

               Sincerely,

               Anya Maltsberger

So, I decided to look up this book after seeing several quotes from it online; it has some very quote worthy moments. You should read this book and appreciate the writing.

Ya know, when you're not being confused by the sheer Russianness. 

It's not even written by a Russian man, it's just some lady from Seattle. Yet it's somehow more insightful and relatable that Dr Zhivago or anything written by any Russian man ever*. 

It's like a fairy tale in it's own, strange, nonsensical way**. It even features the sheer repetition that fairy tales do, like when there's three brothers or whatever and they each leave home and there's basically a template for the journey of each. 

Ya know, fairy tale madlibs.

Also the main character was really good. She had some major issues. 

Anyway, all in all I was very impressed. The only part that I really didn't like was how suddenly they was in a village with every historical Russian figure ever and and it was like one really poorly disguised metaphor but on purpose....?

Is this book a fairy tale? Is it a metaphor about communism? Is it a metaphor about Russia? But they're in Russia and Communists already? And they're all dead but have to keep living and apparently the world is just going to repeat itself because that's what the world does with stories? 

Read it and see if you understand it anymore than I, because apparently, when birds turn into men and come marry your older sisters, you've just seen the world naked. 

*I've turned Zhivago into an adjective. Like, whenever something really coincidental happens, especially involving the meeting of people, I say "Wow, that's real Zhivago-y." 

**Nonsensical, as in "this doesn't make logical since" not nonsensical as in "wow, this is so happy."

The Merchant's Daughter

The Merchant's Daughter

Melanie Dickerson

"An unthinkable danger. An unexpected choice. Annabel, once the daughter of a wealthy merchant, is trapped in indentured servitude to Lord Ranulf, a recluse who is rumored to be both terrifying and beastly. Her circumstances are made even worse by the proximity of Lord Ranulf's bailiff---a revolting man who has made unwelcome advances on Annabel in the past. Believing that life in a nunnery is the best way to escape the escalation of the bailiff's vile behavior and to preserve the faith that sustains her, Annabel is surprised to discover a sense of security and joy in her encounters with Lord Ranulf. As Annabel struggles to confront her feelings, she is involved in a situation that could place Ranulf in grave danger. Ranulf's future, and possibly his heart, may rest in her hands, and Annabel must decide whether to follow the plans she has cherished or the calling God has placed on her heart." - Amazon decription

OH

MY 

GOODNESS. 

I have read NOTHING good lately and this one is going to receive my wrath because it's the most recent in a string of terrible books.

If they even deserve the name 'books'. 

I'm not gonna blame the author for all these terrible books, I'm really not. You know why? Because it's the publishers fault. 

PUBLISH GOOD MANUSCRIPTS. 

THEY EXIST I PROMISE YOU. 

Anyway, onto the review. 

So, this book actually has excellent reviews on amazon, which just baffles me. Someone actually called it "hauntingly beautiful." Sorry, but just because a main character is disfigured and has an eyepatch doesn't make it haunting, and a girl with PGS* falls in love with him doesn't make it beautiful. 

It makes it a cliche. 

Now, I didn't read the whole book, but I read up to, like, page 100 and then read the last page, but it was enough to make me want to gouge out my brain. Apparently, every one in medieval England speaks like modern day wooden puppets, who knew eh? Certainly not me! Let me give you the passage that really just sums it up for me: 

"'Bailiff Tom, I don't like the way you are harassing my servant.' Ranulf Gave Tom his most serious glare." 

That's right guys, be afraid - Ranulf is giving his most serious glare. Not just his every day glare, but his most serious glare. 

The ENTIRE THING is written like that. And there is, like, zero character dialog; they all talk the same. 

And he's so mysterious

and she's so golden

and he's so brooding

and she's so stout of heart

and he's so tortured by his crazybeyotchdeadwife

but wait! Surely he'll fall in love with our Mary-Sue heroine who will save him!**

Also, every time she puts on a dress, I don't need to know if it's her best or her worst or her middle best or whatever. That irritated me so much.

Bottom line: Oh my gosh if you're going to write a book set in a historical era please do at least a little research first, ESPECIALLY FOR DIALOG GOOD GOD PLEASE***. 

*Perfect Girl Syndrome

** Don't worry, he does. I read the end. 

*** Speaking of God, He is very present in this book which is just not my cup of tea. Especially since the heroine is the only one who actually cares about Him which just furthers her Mary-Sue-ness by perpetuating the idea of her moral superiority. 

TenYear-Old Boy Adventure Books

Hello Everyone! I am here today to share with you my completely unironic love for a genre I like to call:

Ten Year-Old Boy Adventure Book! 

This includes things like Charlie Bone, FableHaven, Keys to the Kingdom, Magic Thief and so many more. 

The fabulous thing about these books is that they are fast-paced, because they're geared towards an audience who can hardly sit in front of a television for half an hour. Also, they often take place in worlds where anything can happen. In the Keys to the Kingdom series, Garth Nix created a world that exists outside of the realm of physics or logic, and even with ones set in "our world" like Charlie Bone or FableHaven, predictability isn't an issue. They're fantastical, fabulous, and you never have to worry about an unhappy ending or an errant x-rated moment that sends you throwing the book across the room.  I've read the first FableHaven book at least four times, I'm rereading Keys to the Kingdom (the ones that I own) for the third time in the past year, and when I picked up Charlie Bone several months ago, it was just as good as it was when I was ten. 

I may have never been a ten year old boy, but these are all definitely some of my favorite books, and I highly, HIGHLY recommend checking them out, you won't be disappointed!!

Bumped by Megan McCafferty

Bumped

Megan McCafferty

"A virus has swept the world, making everyone over the age of eighteen infertile. Teenagers are now the most prized members of society, and would-be parents desperately bid for "conception contracts" with the prettiest, healthiest, and smartest girls—cash, college tuition, and liposuction in exchange for a baby. Sixteen-year-old Melody has scored a record-breaking contract with a rich couple. And she's been matched with one of the hottest "bumping" partners in the world—the genetically flawless Jondoe. But her luck is about to run out.

She discovers she has a sister—an identical twin. Harmony has grown up in a strict religious community and believes her calling is to save Melody from her sinful intentions. All Melody wants is to meet Jondoe and seal the deal—but when a case of mistaken identity destroys everyone's carefully laid plans, Melody and Harmony realize they have much more than DNA in common. Sharp, funny, and thought-provoking, this futuristic take on teen pregnancy is compellingly readable and scarily believable." - Amazon Description

Folks, Anya - Book Master Extrodinare-, really isn't sure how she feels about this book. 

Imagine a world where every girl wants to be famous and star in the biggest movie with the hunkiest actor. Now switch that around so they're trying to get the most money for the hunky boy's baby, and trying to pop out as many as they can before the age of 18. 
Now you have this book. Despite the obnoxious, fluffy beginning, this books is written in much the same manner as any of the mass produced, young adult, pseudo-dystopian series of late*. It could have come out of the same Build-a-Book as Matched. That is to say, it was fine. It wasn't fantastic, or life changing, it was just fine. But, BUT it was definitely a society that I had never read about before, an original idea, and that gets major brownie points from me. 

There are two twins (we'll get back to them in a second), yet only one of the twins experiences major character development. Actually, only one of the characters experiences character development. Among the other cast were you're stereotypical annoying tweens (except obsessed with being pregnant), your best friend that shares a similar interest but that you feel you're growing apart from (being pregnant) and the hardly-present, nondescript overbearing parents (except obsessed with getting their daughter pregnant), and girl you and your BFF hate (who has a cute baby bump than you)

NOW: back to the twins. One of them has perfect girl syndrome**, and while this does play into the plot (meaning she'll be the best for breeding), Twin Perfecta is also the one with very little character development, that just flat out annoyed me. 

This book also had a story line set on the straight-and-narrow…until the first twist. And let me tell you, once one twist hit, it was like something out of a soap opera. Even if they weren't true 'twists' there was an overabundance of "this, no this! Hahaha, no, it's THIS", so that at least kept me interested (even if it did give me a mild case of whiplash).  

There was one thing though, that annoyed be beyond all else: you know in books where characters internal monologues/feelings towards something allude to an even that's happened in the past and the author is trying to get you interested so you can be looking forward to the great unveiling? Yeah, that happened here. Except it didn't get me excited. It was just annoying and detracted from the first four chapters, coming up way to often and shoving itself in my face. It was done with absolutely no subtlety at all. The same but opposite is true for something I didn't see coming; there were so many good opportunities for the author to add something as simple as the character hesitating, so the reader can say, "Hm, I wonder why she's hesitating!" and then later realize why as all was revealed. 
All in all a quick read with entirely pregnancy-based slang. Not bad as it started out. Not great. It ends with a non-cliff hanger, but kinda makes me wonder what's going to happen next. 
Hey, maybe I'll even read the sequel. 



*Publisher's Weekly said that McCafferty proved that "Dystopias don't have to be dreary to be provocative. I think this is stupid and I would never call it a dystopia. Dystopia is defined as "An imagined place or state in which everything is unpleasant or bad, typically a totalitarian or environmentally degraded one." There is nothing wrong with this society, except the fact that in our view the whole baby thing is warped. Kids go to school and live without fear and everyone eats and there's no tyrannical dictator. It's not a dystopian novel. It's one that takes place in a world that says pregnancy is awesome. Societies in this world say weirder things are awesome. Bottom line, this isn't a dystopian novel (yet, I haven't read the sequel). If you're craving something dystopian, go find another book. 

**symptoms include being overly beautiful, being excellent at sports, playing the guitar, having an above average IQ, etc.

Bumped by... I don't care

So far, this 'book' is shallowly/poorly written. I hate both the characters. One's obnoxious (and not even in a "oh, this book is good but the character's not" kinda way), one's obnoxious AND unrealistic. Just know, I'm sticking it out for all of you. Just call me Anya the Martyr. 

I really hope it gets better. I had such high hopes for it. But its 3 star Amazon rating doesn't promise much. 

More to come.....

Something Red by Douglas Nicholas

Something Red

Douglas Nicholas

"During the thirteenth century in northwest England, in one of the coldest winters in living memory, a formidable yet charming Irish healer, Molly, and the troupe she leads are driving their three wagons, hoping to cross the Pennine Mountains before the heavy snows set in. Molly, her lover Jack, granddaughter Nemain, and young apprentice Hob become aware that they are being stalked by something terrible. The refuge they seek in a monastery, then an inn, and finally a Norman castle proves to be an illusion. As danger continues to rise, it becomes clear that the creature must be faced and defeated—or else they will all surely die. It is then that Hob discovers how much more there is to his adopted family than he had realized.

An intoxicating blend of fantasy and mythology, Something Red presents an enchanting world full of mysterious and fascinating characters— shapeshifters, sorceresses, warrior monks, and knights—where no one is safe from the terrible being that lurks in the darkness. In this extraordinary, fantastical world, nothing is as it seems, and the journey for survival is as magical as it is perilous." -Amazon description

It always baffles me a little that so many world-building Fantasy books are written by old men with white beards*. And folks, Douglas Nicholas is an old man with a white beard.

That being said, let me just say that this book is not terribly exciting. I was bored by it in the beginning; it takes quite a while to get into. But the small details are there. This man knows his 13th century Britain. 

But other than that, there's honestly not a lot I can say without giving the book away. I wasn't surprised by much, and the climax comes sooner than you imagine, allowing for it all to be wrapped up nice and tight by the end. Also, there's never any statement that they're near Scotland, so the first time dialog comes around and you're completely baffled by all the dropped letters and words that are spelled the way they're being said, you have to dig out (or google) a map of mountains in Britain and deduce their location for yourself before going back and re-reading the dialog in a Scottish accent.

The one thing that did bother me was the protagonists lack of reaction to some life shifting events. I mean, if the lady you've been traveling with suddenly turns out to be someone else entirely, I feel like you'd feel a little more emotion. 

All in all, a well written novel that made me glad I live somewhere were it's 70 outside in January and my breath isn't forming icicles of the rope of the Ox that I'm leading, but not one that kept me wholly entranced. 

*note on hyperlink: Granted, I've never actually read anything by Terry Pratchett, but since he has a beard, he might be next on my list!

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor

Daughter of Smoke and Bone 

Laini Taylor

"Around the world, black handprints are appearing on doorways, scorched there by winged strangers who have crept through a slit in the sky. In a dark and dusty shop, a devil's supply of human teeth grown dangerously low. And in the tangled lanes of Prague, a young art student is about to be caught up in a brutal otherwordly war. Meet Karou. She fills her sketchbooks with monsters that may or may not be real; she's prone to disappearing on mysterious "errands"; she speaks many languages--not all of them human; and her bright blue hair actually grows out of her head that color. Who is she? That is the question that haunts her, and she's about to find out. When one of the strangers--beautiful, haunted Akiva--fixes his fire-colored eyes on her in an alley in Marrakesh, the result is blood and starlight, secrets unveiled, and a star-crossed love whose roots drink deep of a violent past. But will Karou live to regret learning the truth about herself?" -Amazon Description

This book is right up my alley; the concept is well thought out, and the chimaera are a unique set of characters, especially since they (or, at least a few of them) expunge the idea that beautiful = good and ugly = bad. And while it does have the 'angel' thing that has been so prevalent in young adult fantasy lately (or, you know, a year ago), it's in such an unusual way that I really didn't mind.

It's one part mysterious girl, one part awesome creatures, and about seven parts conflicting loyalties. All cool Prague-y/fantasy stuff aside, the book actually delivers a pretty awesome message about the consequences of environments where individual thinking isn't encouraged. Another aspect that I really enjoyed was the way that in the war between chimaera and seraphim, that narrator doesn't tell you which side to take. Neither are completely good, and neither are completely evil; they're just fighting.

Speaking of that, the world building in this book is nice. The details and expositions are not overpowering, just enough of an explanation to give you a good mental image, and leaving you with the impression that Taylor knew every aspect of the world of the seraphim/chimaera, and simply didn't find it necessary to share them, ala Ernest Hemingway. This is a characteristic that I really appreciate while reading.

The one thing that did irk me a little was when the depiction of the main character got a little too perfect. She's gorgeous, AND she fights perfectly, AND she speaks a ton of languages, AND she's perfectly quirky. And let's not forget Akiva, who is so amazingly beautiful that even quasi-frat boys will admit that he's hot. But even so, this really caught my eye once or twice, and there was enough character development/internal conflict with Karou that I could just brush it off.

The Bottom Line: I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It's the first in a series, and the second came out recently, and I definitely plan to read it. Daughter of Smoke and Bone contains very little that I've seen before. The writing is great, and the last hundred or so pages switches it up. The ending is open, but not too cliff-hangery, leaving me wanting to read the next one without a burning need to read it NOW. Whether that's good or bad is I suppose your choice.

I. Like. Books.

All kinds of books really:

books about girls

books about boys

books about magic

books about school
dystopian
historical
Jack Reacher
Harry Potter

The list goes on and on. But in all truth, there is one kind of book that I don't like:

bad books

My whole life I've been a notoriously selective reader.
It's poorly written! I've told my mom. Or: I feel like I've read this about five times already, there's nothing new here! 
So here I'll review all the books I read: the good, the bad, and the in between. So if you're a picky reader, a reader who reads anything, or just a person, join me on my quest to tell it like it is in the world of books.