Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

Song of Achilles

So, I can't find a good description, but this book is basically about Achilles and his boyfriend Patroclus being all Greek and stuff. 

This is one of those books that right from the start you think to yourself, "This is going to hurt me." and it does. It does hurt you. Not as badly as I had expected, but it was still there.
Written from Patroclus' point of view, it starts off with how much his father hates him and what a disappointment he is, which normally I would mind but later in the story it's all nice because Achilles (who is basically perfect) loves him even though he is an exiled prince. Anyway, he's sent to live with Achilles' dad at a young age. They grow up together, learn from Chiron together, and go to Troy together.
Yeah, that's where it hurts you.
Based off the Iliad, It's not written from a historical perspective, but from a mythological one (Achilles' mother is literally a goddess, they hang out with the centaur Chiron, etc). However, it skips the cheese and delves straight into the story, stark yet graceful, just as the Greeks would believe themselves to be.

All this being said, the Greeks are still dicks, and Miller does nothing to glorify them, only makes it clear that the Greeks glorify themselves. 

Poison by Bridget Zinn

Poison
Bridget Zinn

Sixteen-year-old Kyra, a highly-skilled potions master, is the only one who knows her kingdom is on the verge of destruction-which means she's the only one who can save it. Faced with no other choice, Kyra decides to do what she does best: poison the kingdom's future ruler, who also happens to be her former best friend. -Amazon

Is this book a sequel?? For all of it's merit, there's too much world, and not enough world building. The only descriptions are centred around the three main characters who are described again and again and again. Everything in Kyra's past and all other exposition is thrown in haphazardly with sparsity that would make even Hemingway balk. The plot has potential, but is crammed in, under-simplified, and under-foreshadowed. For instance, there is nothing to suggest certain familial relations until they are revealed; it's not a plot twist, it's just annoying. 

I'm sorry, Ms Zinn. I really wanted to like your book, and to some extend I really did! I thought the concept was great! Every element needed for a great story was there, but it just felt like a first draft when you haven't gotten everything quite developed yet. 

Also Hal??? I need more explaining there?? And how does a fifteen year old girl in a society with "traditional" values end up in business/living with two adult men??? What??? 

TL;DR: too much world, not enough world building. 

PS: Now that I am reading the end, if I have to read one more person thanking the main character for saving the kingdom, I'll vomit.

The Undomestic Goddess

The Undomestic Goddess

Sophie Kinsella

Workaholic attorney Samantha Sweeting has just done the unthinkable. She’s made a mistake so huge, it’ll wreck any chance of a partnership. 

"Going into utter meltdown, she walks out of her London office, gets on a train, and ends up in the middle of nowhere. Asking for directions at a big, beautiful house, she’s mistaken for an interviewee and finds herself being offered a job as housekeeper. Her employers have no idea they’ve hired a lawyer–and Samantha has no idea how to work the oven. She can’t sew on a button, bake a potato, or get the #@%# ironing board to open. How she takes a deep breath and begins to cope–and finds love–is a story as delicious as the bread she learns to bake. 

But will her old life ever catch up with her? And if it does…will she want it back?" - Amazon.com

The way I see it, there are two kinds of people in this world: those who enjoy Sophie Kinsella books, and those who are wrong.

And as we all know, I'm never wrong. 

It's okay that they're predictable, because they're suppose to be. Also, they're all pretty hilarious. This one was more serious than the other ones I've read*; Can You Keep a Secret would definitely be my favorite. 

But still, I read it all in less than a day, so it couldn't have been bad!

*and by serious I mean it's not so funny that you can't read it in public without looking stupid.

The Pirate Captain's Daughter

The Pirate Captain's Daughter

Eve Bunting

""I always knew my father was a pirate and I always knew I wanted to be one, too." At age fifteen, Catherine's life is about to change. Her mother has just died and Catherine can't stand the thought of being sent to live with her aunt in Boston. She longs for a life of adventure. After she discovers her father's secret life as captain of the pirate ship Reprisal, her only thoughts are to join him on the high seas. Catherine imagines a life of sailing the blue waters of the Caribbean, the wind whipping at her back. She's heard tales of bloodshed and brutality but her father's ship would never be like that. Catherine convinces her father to let her join him, disguised as a boy. But once the Reprisal sets sail, she finds life aboard a pirate ship is not for the faint of heart. If her secret is uncovered, punishment will be swift and brutal." -Amazon

I read this book all the way through because it was super short and I had nothing else to do. All I have to say is almost positive that pirates did not actually wear stripped puffy shirts. This book was written for teenagers by a lady who writes children's books and it's very obvious.
So let's just pretend it never happened, forget about it as we inevitably will, and move on with our lives. 

The Virgin Suicides

The Virgin Suicides

Jeffrey Eugenides

"First published in 1993, The Virgin Suicides announced the arrival of a major new American novelist. In a quiet suburb of Detroit, the five Libson sisters - obsessively watched by the neighborhood boys - commit suicide one by one over the course of a single year."

All I have to say about this book is that it's really good. Like, really good. Like, I read it in two settings good. Also it's not at all sad. Russia is sad. Girls killing themselves, not that sad. Mainly, I think, due to the fact that it's really sterile. The story is being told by the boys who watched them years later. They're all middle aged and going back and interviewing people trying to figure out what happened.

So yeah, read this book. Don't be the doof that watches the movie first*. 

* I had no clue that the movie was from 2000. Apparently it just made a comeback or something a couple years ago??

Deathless - AKA, Your Book Has A Lot of Egg Symbolism for Something Where Everyone Dies

Deathless

Cathrynne M Valente

Koschei the Deathless is to Russian folklore what giants or wicked witches are to European culture: the villain of countless stories which have been passed on through story and text for generations. Valente's take on the legend brings the action to modern times, spanning many of the great developments of Russian history in the twentieth century.
Deathless, however, is no dry, historical tome: it lights up like fire as the young Marya Morevna transforms from a clever peasant girl to Koschei's beautiful bride, to his eventual undoing. Along the way there are Stalinist house elves, magical quests, secrecy and bureaucracy, and games of lust and power. All told, Deathless is a collision of magical history and actual history, of revolution and mythology, of love and death, that will bring Russian myth to life in a stunning new incarnation.

So, I am going to review this book. But first, an open letter to Russia:

          Dear Russia,

                  I understand that you are tragic. I really do. I sympathize. But some happiness wouldn't kill you. My tear stained copies of your literature cannot help your country.

               Sincerely,

               Anya Maltsberger

So, I decided to look up this book after seeing several quotes from it online; it has some very quote worthy moments. You should read this book and appreciate the writing.

Ya know, when you're not being confused by the sheer Russianness. 

It's not even written by a Russian man, it's just some lady from Seattle. Yet it's somehow more insightful and relatable that Dr Zhivago or anything written by any Russian man ever*. 

It's like a fairy tale in it's own, strange, nonsensical way**. It even features the sheer repetition that fairy tales do, like when there's three brothers or whatever and they each leave home and there's basically a template for the journey of each. 

Ya know, fairy tale madlibs.

Also the main character was really good. She had some major issues. 

Anyway, all in all I was very impressed. The only part that I really didn't like was how suddenly they was in a village with every historical Russian figure ever and and it was like one really poorly disguised metaphor but on purpose....?

Is this book a fairy tale? Is it a metaphor about communism? Is it a metaphor about Russia? But they're in Russia and Communists already? And they're all dead but have to keep living and apparently the world is just going to repeat itself because that's what the world does with stories? 

Read it and see if you understand it anymore than I, because apparently, when birds turn into men and come marry your older sisters, you've just seen the world naked. 

*I've turned Zhivago into an adjective. Like, whenever something really coincidental happens, especially involving the meeting of people, I say "Wow, that's real Zhivago-y." 

**Nonsensical, as in "this doesn't make logical since" not nonsensical as in "wow, this is so happy."

The Merchant's Daughter

The Merchant's Daughter

Melanie Dickerson

"An unthinkable danger. An unexpected choice. Annabel, once the daughter of a wealthy merchant, is trapped in indentured servitude to Lord Ranulf, a recluse who is rumored to be both terrifying and beastly. Her circumstances are made even worse by the proximity of Lord Ranulf's bailiff---a revolting man who has made unwelcome advances on Annabel in the past. Believing that life in a nunnery is the best way to escape the escalation of the bailiff's vile behavior and to preserve the faith that sustains her, Annabel is surprised to discover a sense of security and joy in her encounters with Lord Ranulf. As Annabel struggles to confront her feelings, she is involved in a situation that could place Ranulf in grave danger. Ranulf's future, and possibly his heart, may rest in her hands, and Annabel must decide whether to follow the plans she has cherished or the calling God has placed on her heart." - Amazon decription

OH

MY 

GOODNESS. 

I have read NOTHING good lately and this one is going to receive my wrath because it's the most recent in a string of terrible books.

If they even deserve the name 'books'. 

I'm not gonna blame the author for all these terrible books, I'm really not. You know why? Because it's the publishers fault. 

PUBLISH GOOD MANUSCRIPTS. 

THEY EXIST I PROMISE YOU. 

Anyway, onto the review. 

So, this book actually has excellent reviews on amazon, which just baffles me. Someone actually called it "hauntingly beautiful." Sorry, but just because a main character is disfigured and has an eyepatch doesn't make it haunting, and a girl with PGS* falls in love with him doesn't make it beautiful. 

It makes it a cliche. 

Now, I didn't read the whole book, but I read up to, like, page 100 and then read the last page, but it was enough to make me want to gouge out my brain. Apparently, every one in medieval England speaks like modern day wooden puppets, who knew eh? Certainly not me! Let me give you the passage that really just sums it up for me: 

"'Bailiff Tom, I don't like the way you are harassing my servant.' Ranulf Gave Tom his most serious glare." 

That's right guys, be afraid - Ranulf is giving his most serious glare. Not just his every day glare, but his most serious glare. 

The ENTIRE THING is written like that. And there is, like, zero character dialog; they all talk the same. 

And he's so mysterious

and she's so golden

and he's so brooding

and she's so stout of heart

and he's so tortured by his crazybeyotchdeadwife

but wait! Surely he'll fall in love with our Mary-Sue heroine who will save him!**

Also, every time she puts on a dress, I don't need to know if it's her best or her worst or her middle best or whatever. That irritated me so much.

Bottom line: Oh my gosh if you're going to write a book set in a historical era please do at least a little research first, ESPECIALLY FOR DIALOG GOOD GOD PLEASE***. 

*Perfect Girl Syndrome

** Don't worry, he does. I read the end. 

*** Speaking of God, He is very present in this book which is just not my cup of tea. Especially since the heroine is the only one who actually cares about Him which just furthers her Mary-Sue-ness by perpetuating the idea of her moral superiority.